Tuesday, July 06, 2010

hello...goodbye

It's been quite some time since I've made a post. I was quite ill and then I was just non-creative, and now I am unsure of what I plan to continue doing.

I woke up last night very upset, with the words running through my mind "you are not an artist, you are a failure, who are you kidding?". It was 2:45am and that's all I could think until I finally fell asleep again. I am afraid the little voice is right, which is probably why I haven't really produced anything in the past few months and why I have no new ideas and why I haven't put up any posts here.

I have dropped my membership in a couple of groups and I think I may discontinue this blog, get rid of my website (which is an embarrassing mess anyways, with no direction or beauty) and just retire from any sort of online participation. It's not doing anything for me but making me fee worse about being unproductive.

I may also cancel my participation in a series of classes that I started this past spring. We are to meet again in November and through correspondence with the teacher I have realized that I have some personal faults, and that unless I can overcome those, I can't move forward as any sort of creative person. And since I've struggled with these faults my whole life, recognizing their destructive power, but haven't been able to move past the issue, then it's hardly worth me wasting the time of everyone participating in the class, much less the teacher who is a very busy and important person.

You would never know from looking at me as I go about my daily routine that I am feeling very adrift. But inside my little brain there is nothing but disappointment in myself, my poor work ethic, and the feeling that there is nothing creative for me to draw on now. It's disheartening.

But life goes on, and so I will just feed my birds, do a bit of gardening and probably clean out a lot of the junk in my studio. Perhaps I should take up another creative form of expression, as fabric no longer seems to be speaking to or through me.


5 comments:

Connie Rose said...

Sounds like it's time for a break, Mandi. Take the pressure off yourself to produce right now if you don't feel like it. Take the summer off. I bet your creative juices will start to flow again later this year. We'll miss you, but take good care of yourself!

Anonymous said...

Dear Mandi,
I hope you can have some peace and quiet to just chill...in spite of the warm weather. Turn the pressure cooker off, girlfriend!

Be hugged,
CA

Anonymous said...

Mandi, you are wrong to think that you are not an artist. You are one of the most creative people I know. I believe that you are depressed and that is preventing you from creating and from seeing your own potential. Please get some help-- see a therapist-- even if you have seen one before and felt it didn't help try someone else. I saw 3 therapists before I found one who helped me but it made a big difference.
love,
Seri

difergie said...

Picasso use to crawl up in bed and not leave for days. If you are producing or not has no bearing on whether you are an artist or not. Being an artist has to do with perception. The view you have of the world, your reactions and how you think. The best artists tend to be hyper critical of their work and life is a love/hate relationship. Take a break, but know that you are an artist because your soul is made to create. Just take a rest....from one artist to another....

Mom2Hickeys said...

Mandi-
It seriously sounds like depression. We Baker decendants have it in our blood. I suggest you see a therapist as the previous poster recommended.
Don't give up! I have looked at all your posted artwork and your feelings couldn't be further from the truth! You have beautiful work.
I have gone through depression and it isn't pretty! Take care of it now.
Love your cousin,
Karen